Beer tastes better down here (if that’s possible). It goes well with seafood, sailing, sunning, and as a palate (and/or body) cleanser for the salt after swimming. While all beer is good food, a few barely pass the smell test. So please open your palate, mouth, and mind. It’s time for the Great Caribbean Beer-off!
 
AND THE WINNER IS…STAG! 
 
HERE ARE THE FINAL RESULTS… based on ratings in 10 categories worth 10 points each—possible 100 points.
1st Place:
  Stag, 85 points
 
2nd Place:  Heineken, 70 points
3rd Place:  Hairoun, 69 points
4th Place:  Carib, 55 points
- 1st Place:  STAG  (pronounced:  STOG!)
 
 
Name:  8.  A bit tacky, but easy to say after you’ve had a few.  Unique.  Macho. 
Story:  7.  Supposedly from Trinidad, a place that makes most people agog and afraid. 
Marketing:  10.  Virtually none—a dark horse.  How cool is that?  Like a private club. 
Smell Test:  8.  Smells pretty okay, for a beer. 
Taste:  10.  Once drinkers discover it, they stick with it. 
Availability:  7.  Pretty common in the southern islands, but nowhere north.  Exclusivity brings bonding? 
Tepidity:  9.  Stands up to the sun, if necessary.  Your best bet when cold can’t be found. 
Size Matters:  7.  Usually in large bottles.  But occasionally a bar fools you with smalls. 
Price:  9.  More than Carib, but much less than Heinie.   
Bonus:  10.  What’s not to love? 
- 2nd Place: HEINEKEN  (pronounced:  I-nuh-KEN!)
 
 
Name:  8.  Comfortable, familiar, ever-cool.  It’s the International Budweiser.  
Story:  8.  Comes from Holland, or whatever they’re called now.  They need attention. 
Marketing:  9.  Always classy and calming  Love that little red star. 
Smell Test:  4.  Smells skunky, if in a good way.  An acquired scent. 
Taste:  9.  Bottled all over, yet eternally consistent.  Effervescent, welcome mouthfeel. 
Availability:  10.  If any Caribbean joint has only 2 beers, one will be Heinie. 
Tepidity:  6.  Not good warm, but it disappears fast, so… 
Size Matters:  6.  Bad:  usually comes in mini-bottles (250 ml).  Good:  cute little cans. 
Price:  5.  Costs more for less liquid.  Ish! 
Bonus:  8.  Like and old friend.  Plus you look Euro and suave, if you wish. 
 
- 3rd Place:  HAIROUN (pronounced:  I-ROON!)
 
 
Name:  7.  Fun to say.  You sound local once you get it right.  Odd spelling, though. 
Story:  10. What St. Vincent used to be called, so big ups for nostalgia and stubbornness.
Marketing:  9.  Vincies love their homegrown.  “Our Island, Our Beer.”  Whoa! 
Smell Test:  5.  Could be worse. 
Taste:  7.  Goes down easy.  No problem, mon. 
Availability:  3.  Unheard of after you leave the SV Grenadines.  Withdrawal risk. 
Tepidity:  5.  No loitering.  Great ice-cold, but the warmer it gets, the more it sucks. 
Size Matters:  9.  Only seen it in 12 ounce bottles.  But never on tap loses a point. 
Price:  7.  Cheaper than Heineken, but not cheap enough.  
Bonus:  7.  Didn’t get tired of it for several weeks.  Great memories. 
- 4th Place:  CARIB  (pronounced:  CA-RIB)
 
 
Name:  9.  Almost Caribbean.  Named after fearless, feral Indian settlers. 
Story:  5.  Not much “there” there.  Brewed in many ports, with many ? waters. 
Marketing:  5.  Little to see beyond omnipresent personal endorsements. 
Smell Test:  3.  Smells so bad it’s often served with a lime. 
Taste:  3.  Kinda Corona-like, maybe worse.  Watery, wimpy colon-cleanser.   
Availability:  6.  Mostly avails S of the N/S Grenadian meridian; occasionally N. 
Tepidity:  1.  Not good cold, worse warm.  Must be ice-cold and pounded carelessly.   
Size Matters:  6.  Good: only comes in large units.  Bad:  only comes in large units. 
Price:  10.  Cheapcheap.  + sold where people party by renegades at miniscule markups.   
Bonus:  7.  Good: often served w/ lime; can be on tap.  Bad:  On tap can be flat & insipid.